On Top of the World!!

Today we got the news that our baby's growth is resolving!! We are so relieved and excited!! I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know we aren't in the clear yet but this is a huge step in the right direction. God is so good!! It has really touched our hearts to hear so many people have been praying for us and lifting our baby up. I can't express to you how much that means to us. I have been crying and laughing off and on all day. Tears of joy, of course!! Laughing because I haven't felt this happy in a very long time. You couldn't slap the smile off my face right now. It has been one tough year for the Bowicks. We are still awaiting the blood work results from MUSC but I'm really not that concerned about it. The baby is looking great! Every time the tech looked at and measured a different part of the baby's body she followed it with "That looks good.". Music to my ears!! We go back in 3 weeks for another ultrasound and again at 20 weeks then another one around 22 weeks to look specifically at the heart. They are still concerned about the possibility of Turner's syndrome but we have chosen not to do an amnio since there is nothing we would do differently. I will continue to put my hope in the Lord. At 12 weeks the doctors were saying "I'm sorry.". At 14 weeks they are saying "Congratulations"!!! Only my God can do that!! Oh btw, my two very sweet little girls are super excited that the color pink will continue to flow throughout our house. Baby girl Bowick is due August 27th and I can't wait!!!!

Waiting

After my miscarriage last year, the Lord brought two stories to my attention over and over again. The first was about the Isrealites in the wilderness and if they had just trusted God He would have allowed them to enter the land of milk and honey. He also brought up the story of Abraham and Sarah over and over again and how he promised them a child. I felt as though He was promising me another child too and here I am...pregnant :) His promise was fulfilled. Now that I find myself in this place of uncertainty He has brought up the story of Lazarus a second time. Last week I blogged about how Camryn asked me to read the story and it reminded me that God is a God of miracles but this time I was shown a different theme. I was listening to the radio this morning (The Wally show...love it!). Wally does a segment called Monday school where he talks about what he learned in church on Sunday. Wouldn't you know the story was about Lazarus. He didn't focus on the miracle like I did. He focused on waiting. Jesus heard Lazarus was sick and still waited a few days to go see him instead of dropping everything. When he finally arrived, Lazarus had been dead for 4 days. Martha was a bit upset with the Lord because she knew he could have kept this from happening. She told him that if he had come right away he could have healed Lazarus and he wouldn't have died. Jesus' response was that Lazarus would live again. He wanted God to be glorified. Healing a sick man doesn't have quite the effect on people as raising a man from the dead. So Jesus told Lazarus to come forth and Lazarus walked out of the tomb as if nothing had ever happened. The Bible says many people put their faith in Jesus because of this miracle. God was glorified! I can't say this comforts me 100%. Waiting is not what I do best. Waiting in these situations, I think, is the hardest part. God is clearly telling me to wait on Him though so that He may be glorified. Come to think of it, the other stories I mention have a theme of waiting as well. Unfortunately the Israelites failed miserably but Abraham and Sarah did finally get their promised child after a very long wait. I have no idea how long my wait will be or what it will bring but I will wait on you Lord and I pray that my actions and thoughts will glorify you no matter what. Maybe you too are going through a difficult time. A time that causes you to bite your nails, gives you stomach aches and makes you want to take matters into your own hands. I pray you will find that peace that passes all understanding. Trust Him. Believe in Him. Wait on Him. "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14

God's little reminders

I can't tell you when the last time was that Camryn asked me to read a book to her. Taylor has been reading to her since she was able and that's just always been their thing. This morning Camryn brought me a book and asked me to read it. Out of the 100 books (at least) that these girls have she picked out the story of Jesus and Lazerus. A story of a miracle. I couldn't help but to smile and think about the many ways the Lord speaks to us. Last night I sat down and wrote out Bible verses about healing, miracles, His power, and His love for us. Today I am feeling encouraged. I am excited that I'm pregnant again. I'm proud of my baby bump. I'm looking forward to meeting my little miracle.

Update on What's going on

Since my last blog, I had been feeling like I was missing something. Things just weren't adding up to me so I called my dr's office to find out what it was. I, of course, was missing a rather large piece of the puzzle. Easy to do when you get bombarded with tons of unexpected information. Our baby doesn't just have thick fluid on the back of it's neck. The baby has a growth that's called a cystic hygroma. Heard of it? Probably not because it occurs in 1% of fetus'. It is very rare. The good news is that it does have to potential of resolving on it's own. I have no idea what percentage of them do but the possibility is there and that's all I need to know. From what I understand, if there are no other chromosomal abnormalities or birth defects and if the growth resolves on it's own the chances of a good outcome are 54 -80%. I am going to MUSC for our genetic counseling and blood work on Monday. We are asking for specific prayers.
1. That the results of the test are negative and they find no other complications.
2. That the growth resolves on it's own...quickly for my sanity :)
Again, thank you all so much for your prayers.

What's going on??

That's the question I've been asked quite a few times in the last 24 hours. I love that we are being lifted up in prayer by so many people...even people who don't have a clue what's going on. So here it goes...I had my 12 week ultrasound yesterday to check for any abnormalities. I have never had this done before but with several close friends who have gone through quite a bit in their pregnancies, the fact that I'll be 35 when the baby is born, my congenital heart defect AND recent miscarriage I thought it would be a good idea. Let me say this first and foremost, I only got this done to be prepared not because I would ever even consider terminating the pregnancy. So I went into the u/s very excited and ready to see the baby. He/she is as cute as an u/s can make it be. I have another thumb sucker on my hands. The baby is apparently a wee bit stubborn because there wasn't a whole lot of movement and they weren't able to see everything they needed to. In this u/s they measure the thickness of the nuchal translucency which is fluid behind the neck. Unfortunately, my baby's was thicker than it should be. This indicates a possible chromosomal abnormality and/or heart defect. I don't really think that all of this sunk in until my appt was over. They started throwing out what could possibly be wrong, all the tests that I could and should have, genetic counseling and the option of termination(like I said that is not an option for us). It sunk in when Jason asked the dr if this was common and how often she has seen it. Her reply was that it was very rare and she has only had two patients to have this. The first baby didn't make it and the second baby was completely normal. They may see one a year at that practice. She said at this point we have a 50% chance of a perfectly normal baby. On the other hand we have a 50% chance of the baby having Downs, Turners, trisomy...you get the picture. So I ask that all of you please continue to pray on our behalf...on the baby's behalf. Pray that the tests will show no more signs of abnormalities and if the baby does have a defect that God will heal. Pray for me because I am an anxious mess at this point. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the information they gave and will be giving us. I am calling tomorrow to set up genetic counseling and blood work at MUSC and I have another u/s on the 29th and I'm meeting with our high risk dr at that appt as well. I, of course, have hope that the baby will be fine and can't wait to hold him/her but I also have to live in reality and prepare myself for what might be. My biggest fear is losing another baby. I am confident that God is going to carry out His plan for us though and it will be perfect no matter what the outcome. At this moment I am just living out my life story being written as I speak by our Maker's hand. I surely wouldn't want anyone else to be the author. I love you all and I hope this answers all of your questions. Thank you so much for always being here for me. Pray, pray, pray!!

Heartbreak

Never in a million years did I think this would be one of my blog posts. It all feels a bit surreal right now. I had just celebrated my 12th week of pregnancy. 12 weeks is a big deal to me. I normally get very sick with my pregnancies and getting past the worst part is one of the best parts. I wasn't as sick with this one and I thought for sure it was because we were having a little boy. I still think he was a boy. Knowing what I know now, I wasn't as sick because "he" wasn't growing.




I went to bed Wed night feeling crampy. I really thought it was just a tummy ache from what I had eaten. Nothing else crossed my mind. I didn't sleep well and cramped throughout the night. When I got up, the girls were still sleeping. That never happens. I'm always the last one up around here. I believe God woke me up because he new what I was about to discover and the kids didn't need to see mommy upset. I discovered I was bleeding. I knew immediately that this was not going to be a good day. I had my 12 week appt set up already for 9 am and I know this was all God too. There would be no waiting on Dr's to call back or sitting for an hour in the waiting room. I called Jason right away and he headed home from Moncks Corner. I called Jason's parents and the came to get the girls right away. I then called the one friend I knew would be awake, Tara. Through my tears I asked her to please pray and I knew she would.




I got to the docs office a few minutes early and signed in. I wanted to just go straight to hearing the heartbeat. Instead, I had to sit through the OB nurses speech on what not to do. I don't think I heard a word she said. She finally got to me personally and asked about bleeding. I told her and she immediately wrapped things up knowing how anxious I was. She had me lay down and got out the monitor. She tried and tried to find that little heartbeat. I'll never forget the look on Jason's face at that moment. He looked so worried and scared. I held back the tears hoping that the ultra sound would find it. She did an u/s on my belly and then made some excuse as to why she needed to do the "other" u/s. We knew for sure what was happening at this point. Finally, she pointed at the screen and said, "This is where the heartbeat should be." Let the flood gates open. Tears poured uncontrollably. We both just sat there crying and in shock. Just hours before, everything was fine.




My doctor came in and talked to us for a bit. She gave me the option of having a D&C or taking meds to miscarry at home. The home thing sounded painful and scary. I couldn't imagine doing that and having my kids at home. I sched the D&C. We rode home in silence. We spent the rest of the day just holding each other and crying. I now know, unfortunately, what so many of my friends have been through. The heartache at times feels unbearable. I had no idea it would be so hard. I had no idea Jason would take it just as hard as I did. I had no idea I'd ever be going through this.




The scariest part for me was telling the girls who, on a daily basis, talk about how excited they are about the baby. I don't regret telling them so early. If I had waited, I still would have told them by now and would be having this conversation either way. We explained it as best we could to them. Taylor dealt with it in an unusual way. She got a little obnoxious and tried to act like she didn't care while tears were welling up in her eyes. She ran out the room smiling but I think she cried a little in private. When she came back she said she prayed that Jesus would put the baby back in my belly. It is so hard for her to understand. Now Camryn on the other hand had a very unexpected reaction. She laughed a little at first because I think she thought we were joking. When she realized I was sad she came and gave me a hug and just as clear as day said, "It'll be okay mom. God will always be with you.". Jason and I just sat there in a bit of shock at the words of wisdom that had just come out of that tiny 3 yr old body. God spoke to me through my baby girl and I clung to those words throughout the most difficult day of my life.




Friday morning I woke up to two very excited girls. They were going to putt putt with Mimi and Poppa while I was at the hospital. It was such a weird feeling to have to hold back tears and be happy for them while I was scared to death and so sad on the inside. Yet another quiet ride in the car. This was it. I would no longer be pregnant. Three months of excitement about our third and what we thought would be our last baby was ending in tears and sorrow. I was admitted and had to answer the same questions over and over again with all the people who would be in the OR with me. I could not believe I was there...for this reason especially. The doctor came in and explained one more time what they were going to do and told me she would see me in a minute. Just as soon as she left, I reached my hand out to Jason and cried my eyes out. They rolled me down the hall as I fell into my deep sleep.


I woke up with tears still in my eyes. It was over just like that. The surgery took all of 5 minutes the doctor had told Jason. I had been miscarrying for about a day and a half already so it didn't take the usual 30 minutes. When I got back to my room I was so happy to see my sweet husband but the grief was overwhelming. I was home in no time at all. No longer carrying the baby I had already grown so attached to.





I went home with 3 different medications and a very sore throat. I was so tired and weak from no food but didn't feel at all like eating. They said the next day I would feel much better. I really wish that had been the case. As soon as I got home I had to take an antibiotic. It immediately made me very dizzy and nauseous. That is a terrible feeling. I had to take some pain pills before bed. Ended up I was allergic to it and itched from head to toe the rest of the night. Jason may have gotten about 2 hours sleep before I needed the second antibiotic. At 3am I took them and the same thing happened only this time I had food in my belly that decided to come out. Physically, I couldn't feel more miserable. Emotionally, I couldn't be any worse. It was, at best, a horrible night. Sometime after 4 am, Jason and I fell asleep. When I woke up, I knew my nightmare was reality and it was a hard pill to swallow. I don't show stress outwardly so my body soaks it up. I was so tense I felt like I could hardly move. My jaw, neck and back felt like they were locking up on me. My throat hurt like I had strep. My heart hurt more than I could bare.





I don't know why this has happened. I may never know or understand. I have my good days and I have my bad days. Every day my heart aches. I feel like time has stopped for me while everyone else has kept on. I'm trying to keep up. I'm trying to be the mom my children deserve and the wife I need to be. I'm trying to keep things as normal as I can while my heart feels a pain I never want it to feel again. I know God has a bigger plan for me. One that is better than the one I had. I'm looking forward to seeing it and living it. I look forward to holding my third child in heaven one day. I look forward to days with no sorrow or pain.

Happy Bloody Birthday!

Grace C

Grace J

Hannah (BFF)

Ethan (her sweetie)

Moli


Kennedy

Grey

Aren't they adorable!

Taylor turned 7 this year. I decided she could have a big party since her last big one was on her 3rd birthday. She picked Halfmoon Outfitters so she and her friends could do some rock climbing. So we arrived at the store about 10 minutes before the party was supposed to start. I noticed a group of young boys were in the climbing area and seemed to be getting started with their party. You see, I paid money to have this place to ourselves. The whole climbing area was supposed to be our's only so all Taylor's friends could climb till they got tired. Needless to say, they double booked. Should have known at that point that this would be no ordinary birthday party. Friends started to arrive as I was frantically trying to figure out how this was going to work. Taylor had about 8 friends come to climb and the other group was made up of 10 4 yr old boys. Yikes! So I quickly decided we would just do our cake and presents first and then climb. The only area to set up cake was outside on the picnic tables. That was a great idea when I booked the party 2 months earlier. Unfortunately this ended up being a very cold day with 25mph winds. Setting up the tables proved to be impossible. At that point I started running around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to set up a place inside. We finally got it all worked out. The kids ate a Tangled cake and Taylor loved all of her gifts. It was finally time to climb! All the kids were having a blast. They were scaling the walls like crazy people. Camryn was too little to climb and didn't want to anyway which I'm sure is a big surprise to all of you. She wanted Jason to throw her up in the air and catch her. So he did what any father of a demanding 3 year old would do. He threw her up in the air and caught her...until the last toss. As she came down, he was going to give her a big hug but ended up giving her a bloody nose. Yes, a very bloody nose! She cried so hard I knew she was in pain but didn't see anything at first. Then one of my friends said, "Her nose is bleeding". Sure enough!!! So we rushed to the bathroom as to not draw any attention. Camryn was very brave. She cried a lot but didn't freak out like Taylor does when blood is involved. It took a while to clean her up and I was missing the party so when I came out I had Jason take over. He's an expert with bloody noses because he gets them all the time(not from me:). Right after I handed Camryn over, Taylor came crying to me. I was thinking dear goodness what now?! As she told me the ball hit her in the mouth, I saw blood coming out. Yes, more blood! So, right back to the bathroom we went. It happened to be her front tooth which was already loose. I thought for sure she was going to lose her big tooth at her bday party but it managed to stay in somehow. After all the craziness of the day, I suddenly became very thankful that it was MY kids who got hurt and not someone else's. That would have been terrible! We packed everything up and headed to the car. I told Taylor "I've never seen so much blood at a birthday party." She replied, "Yeah, Happy Blood Birthday to me.".