Heartbreak

Never in a million years did I think this would be one of my blog posts. It all feels a bit surreal right now. I had just celebrated my 12th week of pregnancy. 12 weeks is a big deal to me. I normally get very sick with my pregnancies and getting past the worst part is one of the best parts. I wasn't as sick with this one and I thought for sure it was because we were having a little boy. I still think he was a boy. Knowing what I know now, I wasn't as sick because "he" wasn't growing.




I went to bed Wed night feeling crampy. I really thought it was just a tummy ache from what I had eaten. Nothing else crossed my mind. I didn't sleep well and cramped throughout the night. When I got up, the girls were still sleeping. That never happens. I'm always the last one up around here. I believe God woke me up because he new what I was about to discover and the kids didn't need to see mommy upset. I discovered I was bleeding. I knew immediately that this was not going to be a good day. I had my 12 week appt set up already for 9 am and I know this was all God too. There would be no waiting on Dr's to call back or sitting for an hour in the waiting room. I called Jason right away and he headed home from Moncks Corner. I called Jason's parents and the came to get the girls right away. I then called the one friend I knew would be awake, Tara. Through my tears I asked her to please pray and I knew she would.




I got to the docs office a few minutes early and signed in. I wanted to just go straight to hearing the heartbeat. Instead, I had to sit through the OB nurses speech on what not to do. I don't think I heard a word she said. She finally got to me personally and asked about bleeding. I told her and she immediately wrapped things up knowing how anxious I was. She had me lay down and got out the monitor. She tried and tried to find that little heartbeat. I'll never forget the look on Jason's face at that moment. He looked so worried and scared. I held back the tears hoping that the ultra sound would find it. She did an u/s on my belly and then made some excuse as to why she needed to do the "other" u/s. We knew for sure what was happening at this point. Finally, she pointed at the screen and said, "This is where the heartbeat should be." Let the flood gates open. Tears poured uncontrollably. We both just sat there crying and in shock. Just hours before, everything was fine.




My doctor came in and talked to us for a bit. She gave me the option of having a D&C or taking meds to miscarry at home. The home thing sounded painful and scary. I couldn't imagine doing that and having my kids at home. I sched the D&C. We rode home in silence. We spent the rest of the day just holding each other and crying. I now know, unfortunately, what so many of my friends have been through. The heartache at times feels unbearable. I had no idea it would be so hard. I had no idea Jason would take it just as hard as I did. I had no idea I'd ever be going through this.




The scariest part for me was telling the girls who, on a daily basis, talk about how excited they are about the baby. I don't regret telling them so early. If I had waited, I still would have told them by now and would be having this conversation either way. We explained it as best we could to them. Taylor dealt with it in an unusual way. She got a little obnoxious and tried to act like she didn't care while tears were welling up in her eyes. She ran out the room smiling but I think she cried a little in private. When she came back she said she prayed that Jesus would put the baby back in my belly. It is so hard for her to understand. Now Camryn on the other hand had a very unexpected reaction. She laughed a little at first because I think she thought we were joking. When she realized I was sad she came and gave me a hug and just as clear as day said, "It'll be okay mom. God will always be with you.". Jason and I just sat there in a bit of shock at the words of wisdom that had just come out of that tiny 3 yr old body. God spoke to me through my baby girl and I clung to those words throughout the most difficult day of my life.




Friday morning I woke up to two very excited girls. They were going to putt putt with Mimi and Poppa while I was at the hospital. It was such a weird feeling to have to hold back tears and be happy for them while I was scared to death and so sad on the inside. Yet another quiet ride in the car. This was it. I would no longer be pregnant. Three months of excitement about our third and what we thought would be our last baby was ending in tears and sorrow. I was admitted and had to answer the same questions over and over again with all the people who would be in the OR with me. I could not believe I was there...for this reason especially. The doctor came in and explained one more time what they were going to do and told me she would see me in a minute. Just as soon as she left, I reached my hand out to Jason and cried my eyes out. They rolled me down the hall as I fell into my deep sleep.


I woke up with tears still in my eyes. It was over just like that. The surgery took all of 5 minutes the doctor had told Jason. I had been miscarrying for about a day and a half already so it didn't take the usual 30 minutes. When I got back to my room I was so happy to see my sweet husband but the grief was overwhelming. I was home in no time at all. No longer carrying the baby I had already grown so attached to.





I went home with 3 different medications and a very sore throat. I was so tired and weak from no food but didn't feel at all like eating. They said the next day I would feel much better. I really wish that had been the case. As soon as I got home I had to take an antibiotic. It immediately made me very dizzy and nauseous. That is a terrible feeling. I had to take some pain pills before bed. Ended up I was allergic to it and itched from head to toe the rest of the night. Jason may have gotten about 2 hours sleep before I needed the second antibiotic. At 3am I took them and the same thing happened only this time I had food in my belly that decided to come out. Physically, I couldn't feel more miserable. Emotionally, I couldn't be any worse. It was, at best, a horrible night. Sometime after 4 am, Jason and I fell asleep. When I woke up, I knew my nightmare was reality and it was a hard pill to swallow. I don't show stress outwardly so my body soaks it up. I was so tense I felt like I could hardly move. My jaw, neck and back felt like they were locking up on me. My throat hurt like I had strep. My heart hurt more than I could bare.





I don't know why this has happened. I may never know or understand. I have my good days and I have my bad days. Every day my heart aches. I feel like time has stopped for me while everyone else has kept on. I'm trying to keep up. I'm trying to be the mom my children deserve and the wife I need to be. I'm trying to keep things as normal as I can while my heart feels a pain I never want it to feel again. I know God has a bigger plan for me. One that is better than the one I had. I'm looking forward to seeing it and living it. I look forward to holding my third child in heaven one day. I look forward to days with no sorrow or pain.

Happy Bloody Birthday!

Grace C

Grace J

Hannah (BFF)

Ethan (her sweetie)

Moli


Kennedy

Grey

Aren't they adorable!

Taylor turned 7 this year. I decided she could have a big party since her last big one was on her 3rd birthday. She picked Halfmoon Outfitters so she and her friends could do some rock climbing. So we arrived at the store about 10 minutes before the party was supposed to start. I noticed a group of young boys were in the climbing area and seemed to be getting started with their party. You see, I paid money to have this place to ourselves. The whole climbing area was supposed to be our's only so all Taylor's friends could climb till they got tired. Needless to say, they double booked. Should have known at that point that this would be no ordinary birthday party. Friends started to arrive as I was frantically trying to figure out how this was going to work. Taylor had about 8 friends come to climb and the other group was made up of 10 4 yr old boys. Yikes! So I quickly decided we would just do our cake and presents first and then climb. The only area to set up cake was outside on the picnic tables. That was a great idea when I booked the party 2 months earlier. Unfortunately this ended up being a very cold day with 25mph winds. Setting up the tables proved to be impossible. At that point I started running around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to set up a place inside. We finally got it all worked out. The kids ate a Tangled cake and Taylor loved all of her gifts. It was finally time to climb! All the kids were having a blast. They were scaling the walls like crazy people. Camryn was too little to climb and didn't want to anyway which I'm sure is a big surprise to all of you. She wanted Jason to throw her up in the air and catch her. So he did what any father of a demanding 3 year old would do. He threw her up in the air and caught her...until the last toss. As she came down, he was going to give her a big hug but ended up giving her a bloody nose. Yes, a very bloody nose! She cried so hard I knew she was in pain but didn't see anything at first. Then one of my friends said, "Her nose is bleeding". Sure enough!!! So we rushed to the bathroom as to not draw any attention. Camryn was very brave. She cried a lot but didn't freak out like Taylor does when blood is involved. It took a while to clean her up and I was missing the party so when I came out I had Jason take over. He's an expert with bloody noses because he gets them all the time(not from me:). Right after I handed Camryn over, Taylor came crying to me. I was thinking dear goodness what now?! As she told me the ball hit her in the mouth, I saw blood coming out. Yes, more blood! So, right back to the bathroom we went. It happened to be her front tooth which was already loose. I thought for sure she was going to lose her big tooth at her bday party but it managed to stay in somehow. After all the craziness of the day, I suddenly became very thankful that it was MY kids who got hurt and not someone else's. That would have been terrible! We packed everything up and headed to the car. I told Taylor "I've never seen so much blood at a birthday party." She replied, "Yeah, Happy Blood Birthday to me.".

True Wealth

What's His is Mine, What's mine is His
I feel hope arise when I think on this
Co heirs with Christ in wealth we abound
In all things above and on the ground
I may be poor in the eyes of the world
But my Father is rich and in Him I am full
Of mercy, grace, knowledge and wisdom
Love, hope, and a heavenly kingdom
I may struggle here from day to day
But my Father and His son have paved the way
Christ paid a debt He did not owe
So that my heart and my life might overflow
With riches and wealth beyond what I could imagine
He pours more on me than I could fathom
Why would God make me co heir with Him?
Why would He bless me with all my sin?
Because He loves me, that's why.
He sent His son out of love
And accepting His gift I'm promised a future above
And here on earth His blessings are not withheld
Have you ever seen sunshine or a baby held?
Do you know what it feels like to be in love
Heard the ocean or seen blue skies above?
His richness wraps us up like a band
Surrounding us like our feet in soft sand.
Can you imagine holding the world in the palm of your hand?
My Father longs for you to be co heirs with Him
To share in His wealth from beginning to end
All you have to do is accept His free gift
Then all your struggles and burdens He will lift
He'll carry your burdens He'll help you through
And His riches will abound in you.
Do this and you'll see what life really has to offer
Money and possessions will take a back seat to the Father
True wealth is found in the arms of Christ
True wealth is yours paid with a price
The price of His blood that was shed for you
Imagine that, there's nothing you had to do.

My Daddy is Rich!

I'm sure most of you are going to immediately think Camryn has come up with this line and think it's funny. Most of you know that MY daddy is not rich and Jason ain't rich either. None of us are. It's not a line out of Camryn's wandering mind. It's truth spoken through the Bible. When I say my daddy is rich, I mean my heavenly daddy...God. You see, as a child of God I am joint heir with Him. What's His, is mine. I haven't ever really given this much thought until this week. Our SS teacher talked about it Sunday morning. A young man in our church talked about it Sunday night. Beth Moore talked about it in my devotional today. I'm thinking there's a theme here. Maybe even a lesson to be learned? I don't believe I've heard this scripture 3 times in 2 days just to ignore it. Galations 4:7 says, "Therefore you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God.". Have you given that any thought? Joint heirs with God. Wow!! Everything that is His, is ours. It's mine! I'm not just talking money here people! Read these...Phillippians 4: 19 (rich in glory), Eph 1: 7 (rich in grace), Eph 2:4 (rich in mercy), Isaiah 33: 6 (a wealth of salvation, wisdom and knowledge. I could go on and on. He is rich in everything we could ever want or need! In reading and studying about my rich Father, I think this verse hit home the most. Romans 8: 17 reads, "and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.". We've all suffered at some point or another. We all go through tough times. Lately it's been financially for a lot of people because of the economy. If you are suffering right now, this is good news. No, this is great news!! God's got this! He has what you need to get through this and to be a better person because of it. He promises that. He can take the very worst of circumstances and turn it into something beautiful. He doesn't want us to suffer. He doesn't sit there and think up ways to make life difficult for us. It's because of sin, we suffer. He allows suffering so that we might learn. So that we might grow and lean on Him. He carries us through and in the end we find ourselves blessed. Blessed beyond what our mind is capable of understanding. We find ourselves rich! The closer we get to Him, the more inheritance He gives to us. Now that's exciting! I want that! I want to claim what is mine through Christ. Beth Moore said, "As children of God we are getting stomped on by the enemy who has no right to take that kind of authority over us. You have certain rights and you need to know what they are and you need to exercise those rights.". Read up on your inheritance. It's empowering and exciting! The next time I start complaining about my struggles please smack me across the head and remind me who my daddy is! Who's your daddy? :)