Heartbreak

Never in a million years did I think this would be one of my blog posts. It all feels a bit surreal right now. I had just celebrated my 12th week of pregnancy. 12 weeks is a big deal to me. I normally get very sick with my pregnancies and getting past the worst part is one of the best parts. I wasn't as sick with this one and I thought for sure it was because we were having a little boy. I still think he was a boy. Knowing what I know now, I wasn't as sick because "he" wasn't growing.




I went to bed Wed night feeling crampy. I really thought it was just a tummy ache from what I had eaten. Nothing else crossed my mind. I didn't sleep well and cramped throughout the night. When I got up, the girls were still sleeping. That never happens. I'm always the last one up around here. I believe God woke me up because he new what I was about to discover and the kids didn't need to see mommy upset. I discovered I was bleeding. I knew immediately that this was not going to be a good day. I had my 12 week appt set up already for 9 am and I know this was all God too. There would be no waiting on Dr's to call back or sitting for an hour in the waiting room. I called Jason right away and he headed home from Moncks Corner. I called Jason's parents and the came to get the girls right away. I then called the one friend I knew would be awake, Tara. Through my tears I asked her to please pray and I knew she would.




I got to the docs office a few minutes early and signed in. I wanted to just go straight to hearing the heartbeat. Instead, I had to sit through the OB nurses speech on what not to do. I don't think I heard a word she said. She finally got to me personally and asked about bleeding. I told her and she immediately wrapped things up knowing how anxious I was. She had me lay down and got out the monitor. She tried and tried to find that little heartbeat. I'll never forget the look on Jason's face at that moment. He looked so worried and scared. I held back the tears hoping that the ultra sound would find it. She did an u/s on my belly and then made some excuse as to why she needed to do the "other" u/s. We knew for sure what was happening at this point. Finally, she pointed at the screen and said, "This is where the heartbeat should be." Let the flood gates open. Tears poured uncontrollably. We both just sat there crying and in shock. Just hours before, everything was fine.




My doctor came in and talked to us for a bit. She gave me the option of having a D&C or taking meds to miscarry at home. The home thing sounded painful and scary. I couldn't imagine doing that and having my kids at home. I sched the D&C. We rode home in silence. We spent the rest of the day just holding each other and crying. I now know, unfortunately, what so many of my friends have been through. The heartache at times feels unbearable. I had no idea it would be so hard. I had no idea Jason would take it just as hard as I did. I had no idea I'd ever be going through this.




The scariest part for me was telling the girls who, on a daily basis, talk about how excited they are about the baby. I don't regret telling them so early. If I had waited, I still would have told them by now and would be having this conversation either way. We explained it as best we could to them. Taylor dealt with it in an unusual way. She got a little obnoxious and tried to act like she didn't care while tears were welling up in her eyes. She ran out the room smiling but I think she cried a little in private. When she came back she said she prayed that Jesus would put the baby back in my belly. It is so hard for her to understand. Now Camryn on the other hand had a very unexpected reaction. She laughed a little at first because I think she thought we were joking. When she realized I was sad she came and gave me a hug and just as clear as day said, "It'll be okay mom. God will always be with you.". Jason and I just sat there in a bit of shock at the words of wisdom that had just come out of that tiny 3 yr old body. God spoke to me through my baby girl and I clung to those words throughout the most difficult day of my life.




Friday morning I woke up to two very excited girls. They were going to putt putt with Mimi and Poppa while I was at the hospital. It was such a weird feeling to have to hold back tears and be happy for them while I was scared to death and so sad on the inside. Yet another quiet ride in the car. This was it. I would no longer be pregnant. Three months of excitement about our third and what we thought would be our last baby was ending in tears and sorrow. I was admitted and had to answer the same questions over and over again with all the people who would be in the OR with me. I could not believe I was there...for this reason especially. The doctor came in and explained one more time what they were going to do and told me she would see me in a minute. Just as soon as she left, I reached my hand out to Jason and cried my eyes out. They rolled me down the hall as I fell into my deep sleep.


I woke up with tears still in my eyes. It was over just like that. The surgery took all of 5 minutes the doctor had told Jason. I had been miscarrying for about a day and a half already so it didn't take the usual 30 minutes. When I got back to my room I was so happy to see my sweet husband but the grief was overwhelming. I was home in no time at all. No longer carrying the baby I had already grown so attached to.





I went home with 3 different medications and a very sore throat. I was so tired and weak from no food but didn't feel at all like eating. They said the next day I would feel much better. I really wish that had been the case. As soon as I got home I had to take an antibiotic. It immediately made me very dizzy and nauseous. That is a terrible feeling. I had to take some pain pills before bed. Ended up I was allergic to it and itched from head to toe the rest of the night. Jason may have gotten about 2 hours sleep before I needed the second antibiotic. At 3am I took them and the same thing happened only this time I had food in my belly that decided to come out. Physically, I couldn't feel more miserable. Emotionally, I couldn't be any worse. It was, at best, a horrible night. Sometime after 4 am, Jason and I fell asleep. When I woke up, I knew my nightmare was reality and it was a hard pill to swallow. I don't show stress outwardly so my body soaks it up. I was so tense I felt like I could hardly move. My jaw, neck and back felt like they were locking up on me. My throat hurt like I had strep. My heart hurt more than I could bare.





I don't know why this has happened. I may never know or understand. I have my good days and I have my bad days. Every day my heart aches. I feel like time has stopped for me while everyone else has kept on. I'm trying to keep up. I'm trying to be the mom my children deserve and the wife I need to be. I'm trying to keep things as normal as I can while my heart feels a pain I never want it to feel again. I know God has a bigger plan for me. One that is better than the one I had. I'm looking forward to seeing it and living it. I look forward to holding my third child in heaven one day. I look forward to days with no sorrow or pain.