Glancing Back, Gazing Ahead

Today's date is not one I will soon forget.  Sometimes I wish I could but then I realize that without the bad memories, the good ones wouldn't feel so good.  I'd take things for granted and I don't want to be that kind of person.  Today is filled with so many different emotions. It's bittersweet.  I'm grieving the loss of my pregnancy one year ago.  In some ways it feels so long ago and in other ways it feels like yesterday.  I felt pain and heartache like never before and still feel some today.  Even though I've shed many tears recalling that day minute by minute I can't help but to smile at where I am today.  The most difficult year of my life was also full of God's healing, God's love, and God's promises being fulfilled.  The very same weekend I miscarried, my mom was healed.  This was something my dad had prayed for daily and honestly I had pretty much lost hope that it would ever happen. She had been sick pretty much my whole life and had only gotten worse over the last few years.  She's gone from having someone come care for her on a daily basis to only having someone come once a week so she can go out to eat and shopping.  She went from falling asleep with her face in her plate to cooking for us. She went from walking like she was 90 yrs old to standing straight up and walking on her own and exercising daily.  She even attends church with dad 3 times a week, reads her Bible daily and has a prayer partner.  I could not possibly look back at this week and just cry over my loss.  I also celebrate in my mom's healing.  Even though I had a really hard time climbing out of my funk, feeling sorry for myself and pretty much isolated myself from most people, God was continuously reminding me that I needed to trust Him.  He told me very clearly on many occasions that I would get pregnant again and have another baby.  It's what I longed for with all my heart and He knew that.  It felt like an eternity before I got pregnant again but it was really only 6 months.  We were beyond excited and still on cloud nine when we found out our baby had a birth defect.  We didn't get good news at all.  The doctors were not encouraging.  I think this would have been the most devastating news if I had not already been through what I had been through.  Yes, I lost my baby but at the same time my mom was healed.  I knew He could heal this baby too. I was mad at God and disappointed but yet I could see He was fulfilling His promise just by me being pregnant.  I had a peace that I know was not because of anything I had done.  He just gave it to me.  I knew my baby would be okay and if she wasn't then He would get us through. By week 17 she was completely clear of the birth defect and any other abnormalities. We had a perfectly healthy baby!  Now I sit here at 30 weeks with no words to describe how thankful I am.  With every squirm, kick and punch I am reminded of His goodness, His faithfulness and His promise.  I cannot wait to see what God has in store for this little girl.  She is a blessing.  She is a miracle.  She's proof that God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Thank you God for our little girl!!  Now please tell her to stop kicking and rolling on my bladder so much.  I'll have to wear diapers soon if you don't!!